Monday, June 30, 2014

Three months.

Three months.

It wasn't long.

I can't say it meant much, just your average
Hopes soaring, hopes crushed
A handsome face with a shy smile and deep brown eyes
I thought he was going to be
Different
I thought he was going to give me a
Chance
I thought he wanted to know who I was
Underneath the outer layers,
Peeled back to the raw soul

If only, if only

Those three months are simply wind-chimes now-
An ancient, wistful song
Trickling through
The noise of busy days and stuffed calendar pages
I can't hear his voice in my ears so much anymore
I can't say that I've shed tears
I can' say that I put my whole heart into him

He said to me,
"Depth over distance,"
But he never showed me the depths of what his heart contained
And the distance grew each day,
Silence stacked
A thousand and seventy
Miles high

Except for-
The one night
The one night I could write songs about
The one night I will remember forever

He came just before eight
It was cold that night and he was nervous
We went outside by a small fire
He sat so far from me and
Into the quiet flames he gazed
He opened up his heart
And trusted me with a glimpse into
The struggles he faced,
The people who have hurt him,
The girl who broke his heart

I sat, breathless, eyes wide at the fragile truths he breathed into my honored eardrums

I showed him little pieces of my heart, too,
And for a silent second
In the April air
I felt our souls lift
Out of our bodies
And meet, mid-air

He looked at his watch and
We were late
We ran to his car
My teeth chattered in the cold
Like silly nutcrackers
And he offered me his scarf to stay warm

In the car we drove,
Laughing,
We talked about country music
He teased me
And my cheeks burned
When he used my first name,

"Oh, Katherine,"
He said
And I sucked in my breath, heart pounding like a runaway horse
Staring out the window in his car at empty, nighttime city streets
Feeling perfectly placed
Next to him

At the church
We stood side by side
Silence so thick
You could taste it
Glorious, gold candlelight
Glowing through the impending darkness

I looked up to the Lord
And I thanked Him with all the thankfulness
In my toes and arms and teeth and shoes

Thank you, thank you, thank you

And we stood solitary
Until he turned and embraced me
With that innocent smiled
And a warm touch

My heart melted
Months of icy snow-caps
All in a single embrace

That night I could have sworn
We were onto something
For when he walked me to my door
He said,
"Until next time,"
And I thought I saw something flicker in his eyes
Something that made my knees weak
As I closed the door, breathed out a deep sigh, smiling like a naïve child,
All I could say was,
"Oh my, oh my."

Two weeks.

It isn't long
Until the person you were falling for
Starts to forget about you
And you can feel it in the air, all around you
In your silent phone that refuses to ring

Then it feels like two years.

Hopes compressed
Into a now-tight chest
I close my eyes and let plans and people and poems and pretty moments swallow me
I practice the art of letting go
I pretend not to care
That you are gone
I try not to feel stupid
That I got so excited

I refuse to dwell on nagging questions
Such as

What happened?

Did I do something wrong?

I'll never have the answers to my questions
For only you hold the key
And my pride keeps me silent
My common sense keeps me from reaching out,
From searching for a way to start a fire
In a drenching rainstorm

But even in the monsoon,
I can't help but wonder

How is it
That you don't care
After that night?

3 comments:

  1. So beautiful! I write poetry--occasionally--but this is so beyond anything I've ever scribbled up. I'm jealous, I confess, of your way with words. ��

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  2. Kath is this poem true? Wow if so he was a very lucky person that night :)

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  3. I love the poem, you put all of your heart into your poetry. My favorite part is

    I looked up to the Lord
    And I thanked Him with all the thankfulness
    In my toes and arms and teeth and shoes

    God has blessed you with a rare talent.

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